When Emails Trump Postcards: My Parents’ Trip to Egypt

When I started this blog, I decided it would be about reading, writing, and my trivial observations. This is my first entry that falls in that last category under “picayunes.”

My parents went on a cruise to Egypt last spring. They usually do religious trips because they are very Catholic. Like New Orleans Catholic, go to Mass every day, Catholic. So they’ve gone to “The Holy Land,” Fatima, Sarajevo, Lourdes, basically to all the places where peeps see Jesus or Mary in a potato chip. But this trip to Egypt via Dubai was not typical for them; going to Muslim countries, seeing the pyramids, Giza, the Sphinx shouldn’t bode well for married Catholic seniors looking for visions of the Virgin Mary. My brother Jake, a former Marine, was worried about terrorists. The rest of us were worried about my 73 year-old father hugging women in Dubai and getting himself arrested (he does love the ladies). He couldn’t even hug my mother in public there, it’s against the law. It is a very strict Muslim country. But he doesn’t care. He hugs women, Burkas or not, kisses their pregnant bellies, then gives them a one dollar bill to start a college fund for the baby. My father is very friendly and unfiltered, and that’s how he rolls. Anyway, turns out they were in Dubai for only a couple of days, no hugs or arrests (thank god), then they got on the cruise ship. Little did we know, the dangerous part of the trip had only just begun: my parents on a boat for several days in pirate waters off the coast of Somalia.

My mother uses email, but it’s usually to forward videos of kittens playing the piano, when it’s not emails about Obama being the anti-Christ (I have thankfully been taken off of that email list). She doesn’t write a lot in her emails, she just types with two fingers and clicks the forward button. So, despite the fact it’s almost impossible to misspell words or make typos due to spell-check, my mother does, often and hilariously. Here are a few of her emails with my and my siblings’ (Jake, Steve, and Amanda) responses. I’ve highlighted some things, ‘cause they’re extra hysterical. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. I’m posting this ‘cause I love my nutty parents, I truly, truly do! And this stuff is just too damn good to not share with the world. Ahem…

And now without further ado, I give you my parents on their trip to Egypt…

On Apr 21, 2010, at 6:47 AM, Mom wrote:

All,

We are on our cruise. Everything went well on our flight over. We are jet-leged but having a great time The ship is half full because lots of people couldnt get here do to the valcano. We are presently off the cost of Somalgia? We have what they call Safe Heaven and when called we all rush to the inside incase there is a pirate ship near by. I am not worried. We are well protected.and will be escorted through the waters. The internet isnt always working and it took me two days to find Cox and its not cheap. I will check my e-mail everyday but only send important things. Its 3:45 in the afternoon on Wed and all is well here and I hope there as well. PS there is a Catholic priest from S C on board and he says Mass everyday. What more could I ask for?

God Bless, Mom

On 4/21/10 8:12 AM, Amanda wrote:

Mom and Dad,

I'm glad that you are safe (seemingly). Have fun and if you get kidnapped by terrorists or pirates just let Dad do his thing and they will gladly hand y'all back to American authorities.

Love, Amanda

-----Original Message-----

From: Mom

Sent: Thursday, April 22, 2010 7:25 AM

To: Kids

Subject: Re: Arrived?

Steve and all,

Sorry I remembered I forgot you as I was going to sleep last night and your my favorit!!

We are still sailing --out to sea. We have been escorted by a ship on each side today. At 3PM they closed off the outside doors so no one can walk around out there for 12 hrs. We are all having fun and feel very safe. We are learning about Egypt and the Muslin religion by way of talks. They are keeping us busy. We also learned we need to ditox our body. Daddy has been having fun and eating as much as he wants and not really missbehaving that I can tell. I won $267 in the casino on the one cent machine and of course lost some of it too. Dont worry we are fine.

Love Mom

On Apr 22, 2010, at 8:47 PM, Jake wrote:

Mom & Dad,

Its so good to hear from you. Thanks for checking in. I am so glad that y'all were able to take this cruise in the Suez Canal amidst all our terrorist and pirate friends because, as I understand it, you are doing so many things that you are never able to experience at home:

1. Dad is not misbehaving and eating as much as he wants

2. Mom is gambling on penny slots and winning about as much one night as she loses the next

3. Both of you are going to mass every day

4. Both of you are learning about religion by way of talks

5. Mom is browsing the internet and answering email everyday

6. Dad is handing out pens and calendars.

I hope dad doesn't go through Solitaire withdrawals. I am so happy that y'all could experience so many things that you would never do here in Louisiana! ;-)

I really hope that you two have a great time. Be sure to check in next week, and please let us know how much fun it was to watch some stranger give dad the Heimlich maneuver at dinner.

Love,

Jake

On Apr 23, 2010, at 12:33 AM, Lan wrote:

Very funny. I was thinking of all those things too. Plenty of food, slot machines, captive people for Dad to talk to, Mass every day. The only difference from being in New Orleans is Mom and Dad are surrounded by pirates. How different is that really? O.o Glad yall are having a good time!

-----Original Message-----

From: Mom

Sent: Friday, April 23, 2010 12:10 PM

To: Kids

Subject: Re: Arrived?

We are still alive and just moved out of the "red Zone" into safe water and lost our escort. We have two more days of cruising before we stop in Egypt. We have met people from all different countries and they all speak English. The Brits and Assie have such a wonderful accents. The weather has been sunny and hot, well in the 80's. We have moved up an hr and are only 8 hrs ahead of home and I think we are finally no longer jet laged. we are having so much fun we are planning out next trip. We learned how the Suaze Canal was built today. Take care and we love you all

Mom

-----Original Message-----

From: Mom

Sent: Saturday, April 24, 2010 9:23 AM

To: Kids

Subject: RE: Arrived?

Well today we are tired. We went to the 9:30PM show last night which Daddy slept through. The problem is when we go to bed at 11's we get up every morning at 7:30 and its not enough sleep. We eat breakfast and then go to 8:30 mass and then to a very interesting talk at 9:30.

We are still at sea actually its the Red Sea and there are no real dangers here. We will have one more day at sea and then land in Egypt. Today we learned how Pyrmids are made and the whole story of Patty Herst. There is a Discrit Attorney from Las Angels who gives a talk every afternoon. We also went to a talk about art and what makes an artist a Master. Dads most fun is trying to get the manager of the computers to give us a better price per min because the internet is iffy and very slow. He visits them several times a day. Yesterday he had a body fat content test and he found out he isnt eating enough at breakfast and he needs to lose 18 lbs. Enough for now.

Love, Mom

-----Original Message-----

From: Mom

Sent: Sunday, April 25, 2010 10:00 AM

To: Kids

Subject: Re: Here's another good one.

We are still at sea but keeping busy several talks to listen to and we went to an art auction. We bought a couple reasonable things and were very lucky. They had a drawing and we won two bottles of champane and a dinner for one in a very nice restrauant on board and a $1000 gift toward a master painting. We gave the dinner to Fr Ronnie who was sitting next to us and one of the bottle of champane to a lady who won nothing.

They have full jym wich I work out in every day. Daddy swins in the evening in a lap pool. I am not sure how much he is exerting because he looks like he in in slow motion.

We lose another hr tomorrow. We will be 7hr ahead or you all. We go to our first stop in Ejypt ? Its 13 hrs so I am not sure I will e-mail out.

Love you al, Mom

-----Original Message-----

From: Mom

Sent: Tuesday, April 27, 2010 8:16 AM

To: Kids

Subject: Hello from egypt

Hello everyone,

We have just spent two days in Egypt. Yesterday we were in Luxor and Valley of the Kings. It was like walking back in history. Everything you see on the Discovery channel. We took gobs of pictures but I cant send any because I am using their in house computers. It was extermly HOT there. Its worse than Austin on their hottest day with no breeze.

Today we went to a resort town on the Red Sea. It was not terrible hot there. We saw the coral and fish in a glass bottom boat . Tomorrow we go through the Suez Canal.

Take care and love you, Mom

From: Mom
Date: April 28, 2010 7:10:51 AM CDT
To: Kids
Subject: hello from the Suez Canal

We are at present crusing down the Suez Canal. We started about 6AM. It will take about 12 hrs. Its 2PM Wed afternoon. Its neat. In some places where there were natural lakes, its wide. But most of it is narrow like a canal. One side is developed and green and the other is barron and desert. We travel in caravans one boat behind the other. We will be in Alexandria tomorrow and will see the prymides.
Love, Mom

This was the last of my mom’s emails from the trip. My parents got home safely. They showed us all their pictures of Egypt (my Dad in his Who Dat? Saints shirt with the Great Pyramid behind him was especially awesome). My mom talked about how really small the “Spinx” is. I corrected her, “Sphinx.” “Spinx,” she said again. LOL. What does it matter? They had fun. They met people from all over the world, and they saw where civilization began. They entertained the hell out of their four children back home and countless other friends and family members. And we felt like we were there with them the whole time.

Postcards just wouldn’t have been the same.